Joyful Thinking

I have decided to let you go. Maybe its the lack of reaction that you show my way or the nonchalant attitude that  come rolling off your broad shoulders. I think its both. It was over a long time ago and if we chose to go on we would only ruin a friendship that was already dying. So let’s cut our lost and run. Maybe in the same direction or different ones. Probable different ones would be the best. Because if we run in the same direction then we might end up here again. I won’t say there is someone new because there isn’t. What we might have had died along time ago. So its time you packed up and left. It’s okay you don’t have to protect me anymore and I won’t hurt you now. I like you but it hurts more to watch you turn me down daily than to actually like you. So I’ll take my chips in now and lift my head up to the  hills from whence my help comes for my help cometh from the Lord.

For me to sit there and whisper I love you in a voice so low that you will never hear me is tragic. But the true tragedy lies in the look in your eyes because you will never love me. Do you even see me? I look at you and wonder does he know I feel for him? Crazy words right feel for him. What the heck is wrong with me ? Why does my heart keep coming back to you over and over again? Maybe I’m an idiot but I am the one whispering I love you over and over again only loud enough for me to hear. I wish you would look me in the eye. With the love I give. I want you to know that somehow I love you with all my heart and I don’t know why. So if you please love me for this one second so I can say am sorry and then run away. Because I am good at that. I can’t stay but for you I will try. Let me love you beyond words. Let your heart beat be mine. We can exist together as one. I love you only more today than I did yesterday and more tomorrow than I do today.

It’s strange how i see the joy in your smile. As the lines curve up wards. Maybe its my imagination but I thought i did that to you. I may never know. I shall not approach you not now or ever.

It’s crazy I know but I have a crush on you I think or maybe its more than a crush. I don’t want to over think it but my mind is already calling you my hubby. I mean maybe am a little too crazy…

It could be the rain

YYYYYYYYEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! It’s the rain.

It gets me thinking of love and longing and beautiful mornings and nights in your arms.

Oh rain  bad bad rain !!!

I want to tell you that I used to like you. I want to write you letters to tell you how you made me feel. Maybe am crazy and living in the past. I want to tell these lines before its too late.

If we had tried really hard it would have worked. But now am not so sure that we wanted to try. I liked you but there was no us from the beginning. I didn’t carve out pieces of my life to fight you in it. I may not be tough but am honest with you. I may hurt your feelings now but please understand its for our own good.

Because you will always come back and you will smile at me but I must tell you I used to like you. I am finding my way back to the surface. I have broken the limit of wishes in your heart. I wont be the girl of your dreams and if I was then forgive me please.

Its no small fact that am afraid. I can admit it clear as day if you wish to hear it. I am desperately afraid of ……….. well not dying maybe laying there waiting for the end. I am afraid of sad faces and of places where no one remembers. Am afraid of leaving you like this.

I don’t want you to believe that i don’t cry at night when my hands no longer work and i can hardly breathe. I am terrified of the pain because daily it kills me. I may not show it but I am absolutely terrified of losing this battle. I sit there day and night and fight a war I hope of winning when the truth is am hoping that i lose it . I want to die that is the truth but not yet and not now. I have things to do and peoples lives to change so if i died i would be of now use. I am afraid and my tears show it. I may be strong but as soon as i look away I wipe a tear from my eye as my body shows its weakness.

I feel it too.  I feel myself getting weaker but the doctors don’t know and I wont tell. They can’t do anything about it. Most days i feel my sanity going. I cry out to God to help and then I cry for myself. I cry once more for the things i can no longer do. I cry for the rest my body deserves. I cry because right about now its the only thing i can do cry and pray to see tomorrow.

I should break free from here. It’s my own little prison you see. I wrapped myself in this twisted fantasy that one day you would understand my actions and the disappear. I blame the old romantic in me and that cat too. Probably I will tell you the things that really happened that day or maybe am just lying to myself. Yea am probably lying to myself because i still want to connect a bat to your cranium. No am not violent but i do feel things. You see there is an anger inside of me that am trying to tame.

That’s why I should break free from here but I keep waiting for you to come back so i can explain myself and then you disappear. I should break free from here. Yep I really should .

I think maybe just maybe am a little strange when it comes to guys. I mean I can talk to them …… ok well mostly in my head. But that’s ok right a step forward in the right direction. I find them fascinating and wonderful. I don’t know maybe one these days I’ll just be brave and go talk to them.

But since am falling in love with one right about now. Secretly though because i haven’t told him yet. so until then my heart will beat a thousand times when i think of him and never show it. Stare at him in the halls and maybe just maybe say hello soon ……. or maybe never.